Don't take me wrong

but I don't love you anymore,

not the way I did,

not as passionately

as desperately

as eagerly

as before.

And I don't believe

you love me either.

I think you want to love me

but you don't really love me.

I'm always on your mind, you say

but I don't want to be in your mind.

I want to be in your heart.

Indeed

I don't want to be in your heart –

not as I ere did.

What I mean is

if I am to be in someone's organ

in someone's body

it's in the heart I want to dwell –

not in the mind.

I don't want anybody to think about me

I want somebody to feel me.

I do understand

you want somebody to love you

and protect you

and cherish you

and fight with you

and fight for you

and challenge you

and lean your legs when they shiver

and not let you down

and not let you get lost from yourself

and expose you to your own fears

– holding your hand while doing this –

and show you they are worth nothing

they are worth less than you are
and you are worth a lot!

You want somebody to know your dark side,

someone who can look at it

and not run away in fear or disgust

nor try to change you

but take you as you are

and live with that

and not accept what is not good for you

for you both.

You know what?

I want the same.

Because I, too, have a dark side

fears

wishes

pulsions of life and death

and I do want someone who fears them not

who shows me that even when nothing is all right

he still has me in his heart.

I do love you

a lot

loads

forever

more than I did anyone before

or yet to come (who knows?)

and I wish you the best

I wish you to find this person

who I could never be

who you never chose me to be.

I don't want to be the first

in anybody's life,

maybe the last one –

last first kiss

last first shag

last first everything

even if someone else gets in the way.

I want to be long-lasting

everlasting.

And I don't want to try.

I want to live.